Why "Boyfriend" Is So Bad It's Good

I can’t remember a time when there was so much hype about a single.  Even months before “Boyfriend” was release, long before Justin Bieber even start dropping teasers via Twitter, people were going crazy about a song they hadn’t ever heard.  I, for one, was actually also anticipating this single.  I was a little discouraged by the simple, one-word title that implied another teenage love pop song a la “Baby”, but I still had hope for a more mature Bieber, especially considering some of his recent tracks, such as his collaboration with Rascal Flatts.  Once Bieber starting releasing daily teasers to count down to its release, though, my hope started to wane.  First, Bieber made available the lyrics—that was the first let down.  Then after that, he gradually started releasing more and more of the start of the track.  To be blunt, my hopes were dashed.

Let’s start with the lyrics.  The song starts with “If I was your boyfriend, I'd never let you go”.  Alright, that isn’t too bad, but with a line like that, I don’t really think it makes little Justin sound much more grown up and is certainly reminiscent of his former hit, “Baby”.  That line is the least of my worries, though.  This is probably one of the best lines Bieber spins: “Got money in my hands that I'd really like you to blow/Swag swag swag, on you/Chillin' by the fire while we are eating fondue”.  That’s right—they’re eating fondue by the fire while spending money on “swag swag swag” (Also, I’m sure he wants to her to blow more than just his money).  Why they’re eating fondue next to a fire and not at a table, which would be far safer, is beyond me—unless, of course, he means the fire under the fondue pot.  If that’s that case, well, then the Biebs needs to work on his romantic side.  Besides, if you’re next to a fire, then you better be chillin’ on a bearskin rug (I opted for ‘chillin’’ over ‘sexin’’ simply because Bieber is still a child and should be keeping it in his pants).  Bearskin rug doesn’t rhyme as easily with “Swag swag swag, on you”, though, so I’m sure Bieber took that into consideration.  On that subject, the rhymes Bieber spit are a bit peculiar, sounding almost like a pathetic attempt at freestyling (though I couldn’t even come close to doing better—hence why I write free verse).  I’ve heard Bieber freestyle though, and he’s actually really good at that.  Surprisingly good.  

Let’s not forget about my favourite line.  Baby Biebs decides to drop an obscure reference to a Disney character that was most likely created before his mom popped him out: “I could be your Buzz Lightyear fly across the globe”.  Why he decided to go with Buzz Lightyear and not say, Superman, who actually flew around the globe (a couple times), is beyond me.  Maybe he was going for childhood nostalgia (even though he wasn’t even two years old when Toy Story came out).

The music behind these… interesting lyrics is also… interesting.  Throughout the entire track there is this high-pitched siren-like sound that makes it seems as though the song was recorded on the main deck of a military submarine.  I can only assume this sound was inserted for its hypnotic qualities and brainwashes our young people to join the Navy (kudos to those who get The Simpsons reference).  There’s also a pretty big contrast between the music behind the verses and the music behind the chorus.  It kind of works though.  The chorus (or the “hook” as Bieber calls it) has a more acoustic-pop sound to it more similar to his older tracks whereas the rest of the song gets a slight hip-hop makeover—or at least as hip-hop as can be expected from a teenage white Canadian.  All-in-all, the music sounds like something a 7^th grader made on a Mac during study hall—though I guess there isn’t much of a difference.

To be honest, the only redeeming quality of this song is the vocals.  Bieber’s voice is impressive, I don’t care who you are.  He hits some pretty awesome notes, especially on the chorus.  His rapping is interesting.  I think Bieber can actually rap pretty well when he tries, but this rapping is just interesting (notice how I’ve used this adjective about a zillion times, it’s not an accident).  Rapping isn’t where Justin should be headed though.  His voice is far too good for that.  Justin is a natural singer-songwriter (though these lyrics don’t give that much justice…) and that is what he should be doing.  His voice is strong and powerful and easily one of the best voices you’ll hear on the radio.  With the right music and right subject matter, he could bust out some pretty spectacular music.  I still hold true to my theory that Justin Bieber could be the next Paul McCartney.

Even though I clearly have many issues with this song, I still can’t help but listen to it.  I’ll be honest—I kind of love this song, albeit somewhat ironically.  It’s kind of a good song to turn up nice and loud.  I think there might be something wrong with me.  It’s almost a novelty, really.  I’m certainly curious to see how the remaining tracks on Believe hold up in comparison to “Boyfriend”.  I just hope the radar bleep isn’t throughout the entire album.

UPDATE: That's right, there's music video now and boy is it fitting!  I don't comprehend it at all.  The whole thing makes you wonder how long it will be until the Biebs says "Oh, just kidding".  That said, I'm probably going to download the single and "rock out" to it on a regular basis.  Something I don't quite get though is why so much focus on the single.  Justin says he has 40 tracks to pick from for the album.  He has the hit single, he has a video for it, he has artwork for both the regular and deluxe versions, but he doesn't have a tracklisting?  That's not how an album is supposed to be made; an album is called an ALBUM for a reason.  But then again, since when does Bieber do anything normal?

An Interview With Jordan Bastian

After starting this blog, I decided to finally give in and join Twitter (partially at the insistence of my friend Simon) to try to drive some hits this direction (so far, it’s only sort of worked, kinda).  At first, I didn’t quite get it.  It was a little confusing, I guess.  But once I got the hang of it, I fell in love.  When used properly, Twitter is actually a fantastic networking tool.  It can be a way to get your name out there and connect with certain “higher ups” (for lack of a better word).  The majority of my Twitter Feed is littered with baseball-related Tweets.  If you go through my “following” list you’ll find the likes of sports journalists Ken Rosenthal, Paul Hoynes, Tom Withers, and Anthony Castrovince, as well as local journalists such as Nick Camino Tony Lastoria, and Chris Assenheimer.  And, of course, you’ll find Jordan Bastian, the subject of this blog post, who is the Indians beat reporter for MLB.com.  You’ll also find many professional baseball players—both Major and Minor leaguers—and members of the Cleveland Indians front office.  Of course, you’ll also find many of my favourite bands and media figures.  I used to follow Manny Acta, the Indians’ manager, but recently discovered that he blocked me after Tweeting a bit of criticism after losing on Opening Day (though to be honest, I’m a bit flattered that he actually read my Tweet and took enough offense to make the effort of blocking me).  By following these folks not only do I get breaking baseball news right when it happens (literally), but it also gives me the opportunity add in my input and opinion on their reports, which helps broaden my horizons and gives me a better understanding of the baseball world.  Likewise, it also gets my name out there in the world of sports journalism—a field I would someday like to enter in one way or another.

Jordan Bastian is easily one of the most “Twitteractive” sports journalists you’ll find.  That said, the Cleveland Indians in general is one of the most “Twitteractive” franchises in the MLB and easily one of the most prominent in the world of social networking.  Jordan utilizes Twitter to not only post breaking news, but also uses it as an opportunity to interact with Cleveland Indians fans, which allows him to get a better understanding of the fans’ perspectives.  By hearing what the fans have to say, he is better able to write his reports for Indians.com.  Jordan also writes a blog for MLB.com called Major League Bastian, where he is able to offer a more objective look at the Cleveland Indians and Major League Baseball in general.  I was able to “meet” Jordan through his Twitter, where we occasionally banter back and forth.  Usually, I Tweet to him, admiring his magnificent (and cheesy) puns.  It was through our “Twitteraction” that I was able to conduct a brief e-mail interview with him for this blog.  It isn’t often that someone in his position would be so willing to answer some questions for a certainly less-than-established blog, so for that, I am quite grateful.  Jordan is a pretty great guy, which he certainly makes known by his social networking presence.

When reading Jordan’s answers to my questions, I couldn’t help but notice some distinct parallels with my life.  Like myself, Jordan is also a history buff and started out at Michigan State University as an education major.  Fortunately for him though, he made a change of major to journalism, which was clearly for the better.  I, on the other hand, am stuck with a history degree and absolutely no journalism experience whatsoever.  Something interesting I noted is that when asked about what might be found on his bucket list, Jordan said that although his list would “probably be more family based”, he also said that he would like to write a book, but not about baseball.  In a follow-up question, he said he would be geared more towards fiction.  I have already written a novel myself and am working on a few others (Jordan actually gave me some great advice on the plot for my Jim Thome inspired project).  My bucket list, however, includes the opposite: writing about baseball.  I’ve already written fiction and now I want to write something about baseball—eventually a history of Cleveland sports, which I hope Jordan might be able to offer some help with when the time comes.

To be honest, interviewing Jordan, and even Tweeting and e-mailing him, is almost surreal and somewhat serendipitous.  I think he and I have a lot more in common besides what I stated in the previous paragraph.  We have similar writing styles and love puns, irony, and sarcasm and also enjoy much of the same music.  He runs marathons and goes hiking in his free time, which is something I hope to be able to do in the future.  I guess what I am trying to get at is that Jordan Bastian gives me hope that I will one day have everything I want out of life: I’ll finally be able to write for a living and be able to support myself with it, and, of course, my great family as well.  Everyone has those heroes and role models that they’ll probably never meet, some of which they can’t ever meet because they’re dead.  Those celebrity role models—the famous actors, singers, writers, et cetera—they’re only so real.  Even with things like Twitter we don’t get to see the actual real them.  We just get to see whatever façade they feed us.  I’m probably never going to meet Bob Dylan and I’m definitely never going to meet Allen Ginsberg or Hunter S. Thompson.  I’m never going to know the real them either—especially not Hunter S. Thompson, whose fact and fiction are indistinguishable.  Jordan Bastian though, he’s a real guy with whom I can really interact.  He’s a real, three-dimensional, carbon-based life form (with huge forearms), not just someone I hear playing on my iPod or read in bed.  He’s not living some outlandish lifestyle either.  He’s a modest guy, living a modest life, doing what he loves with his wife and son by his side.  That’s what I want, and one day, I will have it.  I’m very grateful to have met Jordan Bastian on Twitter and hope to become better acquainted with him in the future.  He has certainly become quite the influential figure on my life.

Below you will find the full transcript of our e-mail exchange.

1. How old were you when you decided you wanted to be a sports journalist and what made you come to that decision?  What did you want to be when you were younger?  I’m guessing either an astronaut or a dinosaur.

I wanted to be Indiana Jones when I was a little kid. When I was really little, maybe eight or nine years old, I actually created a fictional character named Dr. Burg (no idea where I came up with that name), and wrote short stories. It was basically a blatant ripoff of the Indiana Jones movies. That, or I wanted to be the heir to the second base throne in Chicago, replacing Ryne Sandberg as the next big thing with the Cubs and leading them to their first World Series since 1908. Alas, my genes caught up with me and I had to find some other way to be around baseball for a living.

I really didn't consider journalism until the summer before going to Michigan State. I had already been accepted as an Education major, but only selected that out of uncertainty over what I really wanted to do. I thought, at the very least, I could pursue teaching since I've always been a big history buff -- be it baseball or otherwise.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized there were really only two things I enjoyed about high school: playing baseball and writing. If I wasn't going to continue playing -- only Division III and JuCo schools had shown interest in me -- then I thought it was best to find a way to combine by two loves. So before going to MSU, I switched my major to Journalism and stayed with it.

While at MSU, I didn't begin actually working in a journalism-type role until my junior year. I wrote for the Lansing State Journal as a stringer/freelancer. It started with answering phones and typing up agate and ended with me serving as a go-to reporter for high school and college sports, as well as coverage for the Lansing Lugnuts Minor League team. I just kept piling up the clips and that eventually opened up an internship opportunity with MLB.com.

I interned on the Toronto Blue Jays beat in 2005 and moved into the full-time reporter job there before the end of the year. After five years spent covering the Blue Jays, an opportunity arose to come to Cleveland and my wife and I viewed it as a great chance to get closer to family in the Midwest. It's been a great move professionally and personally.

2. What would you say has been your most memorable moment working as a reporter for the MLB?

It's hard to pick a memorable moment. If we're talking about one of my favorite stories to tell, the first one that comes to mind happened in my final season in Toronto. John McDonald had just lost his dad and rejoined the team on Father's Day. He was used as a pinch hitter late in the game and he belted a home run. If you know Johnny Mac from his Cleveland days, you'll remember he is not exactly a power hitter. It was a very emotional moment for him, and for everyone there that day. That was a great story to tell.

3. I’m particularly fond of your use of puns and wit in your articles, blogs, and Tweets.  Do you have any particular favorites that stick out?  Do you ever randomly think of great baseball puns during the day such as while you’re shopping at Wal-Mart or eating a Big Mac and just have to job them down?

Shopping at Wal-Mart and eating Big Macs? I thought by following me on Twitter you'd have a better gauge of my personality. Those are hardly the types of places I go, but I'm veering way off topic. I can't think of any witticisms that stick out. What I'll say is that it's a brand of humor that I inherited from my dad. He'd always make corny jokes when I was growing up and I can still hear my mom saying, "Don't encourage him!" when I'd be cracking up laughing. Like father, like son, I guess.

4. You’re a pretty avid user of social networking and very fan-friendly—something that seems to go hand-in-hand with the Indians franchise in general.  What has drawn you to social networking and how has it benefited you?

Honestly, if I wasn't in my position as a reporter charged with relaying news and information, I'm not sure I'd be on Twitter. I've already unplugged from Facebook and have enjoyed the freedom that has provided. That said, I really do enjoy the back and forth with fans on Twitter, except when fans use my account as a sounding board for their gripes and complaints about the Indians franchise. I like how social media can spawn discussion and provide me, the reporter, with a way to see what's really on the collective mind of the fan base. When I first started, I only had handfuls of e-mails to go on each week, or I had to scan certain blogs, in order to get a read on what fans were thinking about. Now, fans bring their thoughts to me on a minute to minutes basis, and that can help you, the reporter, know what issues are important to tackle.

5. You’ve worked with the Indians for a few years now, and before that, the Blue Jays.  What other kinds of jobs did you hold before that?  Any exciting internships or were you just another burger flipper or shelf stocker trying to make it through college?

Well, I mentioned the MLB.com internship and my experience with the Lansing State Journal in an earlier question. Before I got into the reporting side of things, I had a few different jobs. I worked in a book store for a couple years, worked at Chilis in three different states at various points, served as a representative for a scanner company for a summer, and had a two-month stint at a small newspaper in southwest Michigan, where I wrote in sports and did copy editing in news. At one point at MSU, I held three jobs on top of a full slate of classes. I work best when I have little down time.

6. As you might know, my blog’s main concern is completing my bucket list and trying to provide inspiration to others seeking success.  What items would we find on your bucket list?  What are some things you have already crossed out?

Well, my main list would probably be more family based. Getting married and having a kid were always big priorities, but in their proper time. As it happened, I married my high school sweetheart and we have an awesome son. In that way, I'd say I've had a pretty fulfilling life to this point. As for things I've wanted to accomplish personally? I always wanted to run a marathon, and now I'm training for my seventh. Writing a book that has nothing to do with baseball is on my list. I want to leave something of substance behind for my family, and not something that has to do with a game. There are greater things in life than baseball. That said, I'm not sure what I'd do without it.

7. As I think I’ve told you, I’m currently working on a novel based on the storybook career of Jim Thome.  The story follows Jay Harrison, a third baseman who was drafted out of high school in the 13^th round, but quickly works his way up the ranks to the Major Leagues, proving himself to in fact be a five-tool player.  He spends the first several years of his career with one team, but gets a taste of free agency and goes with the team he thinks will get him a ring, despite backlash from his fans.  Eventually he comes back to his original team.  I haven’t quite decided how it’s going to end though.  I’m wondering what you think.  Should Harrison finally get that World Series ring with his original team?  Or, should he finish his career with his original team, meanwhile the team he was on prior wins a World Series?  Anything else you might suggest plot-wise?  I would really like to get Mr. Thome’s input on all of this, though so far my request for an interview has been denied, which has put a bit of a damper on my motivation.

It's an interesting idea, for sure. Perhaps the team he left wins the World Series while he is wearing the uniform of the club that handed him all the money in free agency. It's tragic in that he doesn't taste the glory, but the city, fans and team he departed do get to enjoy the ultimate triumph. Then, when he returns to end his career with his original team -- realizing he never should have left -- all is forgiven, because they have him back, as well as the memories of a championship. But there is always that question: would they have won if he stayed all along?

8. What advice could give to an aspiring writer with a BA in history who wants to write about baseball but has no journalism experience whatsoever?  I think I told you I want to write a history of Cleveland sports and eventually an anthology of Ohio professional sports.  Where do you think would be a good place to start?

The only trick is to get your name in print, and get it in print as often as possible in as many ways as you can. If that means starting at a local paper and accepting the assignments no one else wants, so be it. You've got to be willing to walk through some muck in order to get to the place you want to be. Ask for criticism along the way. Don't ask what you did right, but instead ask what you did wrong. No one gets better by hearing how great they are. You get better and more experienced by figuring out how to improve. That's my advice. In my opinion, there are a lot of kids that think they are too good to accept certain low-level assignments. Think of it like a big league farm system. The bus rides suck at the beginning, but the big league spread sure is nice in the end.

9. Any advice in general for those who have run into roadblocks on the road to success?

Keep at it and, like I said, get as many clips as possible. For sports, that means news stories, gamers, features, enterprise, etc; Keep reading and keep writing. Eventually, doors will open and people will go to bat for you.

Follow Jordan on Twitter: @MLBastian

Check out his blog: http://bastian.mlblogs.com/

And read his reports on Indians.com

How I Became a Legitimate Writer

Last Saturday, March 31^st, was a good day.  I had submitted a couple poems to the Columbus Arts Festival in hopes to be selected to read at the Festival in June.  On the 31^st I was invited to an on-stage audition in front of a panel of four judges to hopefully be selected as one of a handful of poets to read at the Festival.  My mom went with me to the audition, which was a little weird.  She had never seen me read prior to that and had only read a few of the many hundreds of poems I have written.  I was a little nervous because of that; though, I felt at least, my reading was probably the best one I had ever done.  It was certainly better than the two poets before me, one of whom kept reminding the judges that he had been writing and publishing for thirty years (they ended up cutting him off).  I felt pretty good about audition and was pretty confident.  The only thing I would’ve changed was getting there a few minutes quicker so I could’ve seen my buddy Hanif read.  My mom eventually said it was good, but only after offering some criticism over the content of my poems, specifically one which alludes to our hometown.  Later that Saturday night, I received a message on Facebook from a girl a few years behind me at Ohio Wesleyan.  I was a little confused because I had never talked to her a day in my life, just knew who she was.  She happens to be one of the editors of the OWL—Ohio Wesleyan Literary Magazine—and was asking for permission to publish a poem I had submitted to a contest in my senior year.  So as of April 19^th I will officially be a published poet.  It’s a pretty silly poem called “This Is How Much I Love You” that I wrote lord knows how long ago.  A silly poem in a small magazine—it still counts.

The following Monday afternoon I was in my best friend’s kitchen, leaning against the refrigerator waiting for him to finish his lunch so I could take him to an appointment and I decided to check my e-mail.  The first e-mail that popped up said “Congratulations” in the abbreviated subject; immediately, I knew what it was.  I had been extended an invite to read at the Columbus Arts Festival this summer—June 1^st-3^rd.  The only reading I’ve ever done other than the audition is a few stints at the Writer’s Block Poetry open mic at Kafe Kerouac near OSU.  I’ve only done that five times.  There are usually no more than 30 or so people, though once I’m sure we were violating a fire code or two.  I’ve never done anything like this before, so it is certainly an exciting experience.  Less than a week after the Festival, my best friend and I will be headed to Dayton for an Evening with the Avett Brothers, so I’m certainly excited for June.

Although I have always considered writing to be one of my strong points and it is one thing which I will readily admit to being good at (please ignore that hanging preposition!), finally getting something published after so many rejections letters and being asked to perform at an arts festival in its 51^st year, certainly gives me a big confidence boost and makes me feel as if I am a true, legitimate writer.  In a way, I guess it makes me feel accepted as a writer because someone else, someone who isn’t a friend, someone who isn’t biased, someone who is a complete stranger, likes and appreciates what I have written.  That’s a good pick-me-up.  That’s a good feeling to have.

Here are the two poems that got me into the Columbus Arts Festival:

You Can be Superman

Have you ever had a child tell you he wants to kill himself?

Because I have.

And let me tell you, it’s the most heartbreaking thing you'll ever experience

It is worse than that time you didn't get the fancy toy you wanted for christmas

Or the time you showed up to school and that nerd was wearing the same shirt

It’s even worse than when you discovered ABC was ending Lost

But what it isn't worse than is a child who hasn't just said he wants to kill himself but has indeed done the deed

Because while you were twiddling your thumbs he was googling how to tie a noose

And while you were out cheating on your wife, his caring and supportive mother, he hung himself in the closet because you called him a stupid fag when the trash bag ripped from all the beer bottles you refuse to recycle

And yes! Your son was smart enough to know and appreciate the irony and that is why he did it that way

Because he wanted one last laugh before he went to heaven

Where no one gives a goddamn about race or creed or sexuality

And where he knows he will never have to see you again

But it is horrible that you drove him to such extents

And you will never even realize that it was all your fault,

That you could have been the one to save him

And then he could have been the one save all the others

He could have reached out a helping hand to those who had no one else

To those who felt alone, scared, and unsure

He could have made a difference

And so could have you.

Welcome to the Midwest

This town is a-happening

This town is happening if you are an old person

This town is happening if you are a church-going, Golden Buckeye card-carrying, Bengay-using, Metamucil-drinking pensioner over the age of sixty-two

But for me and you, this town is far from happening, but rather it's dis-happening

It is dis-happening and depressing:

It is all that you wish to leave behind but yet, here you still remain

It is there every day to remind you of the things you have screwed up

And gives you the motivation to set them right.

This town is happening.

This town is happening if you are a child who doesn't know any better, under the guidance of his parents

His parents who always said they would get out of this town, but yet, here they still remain

This town is happening for that bicycle-riding, elbow-bruising, knee-skinning, homerun-hitting, ice cream-eating child under the age of fourteen

But I'm the one man who forgot how to ride a bicycle and I haven't hit a homerun since tee-ball,

And my aches and pains are most likely arthritic

But I damn sure love me some ice cream - two scoops cookies 'n' cream on a waffle cone, please.

Now, this town is happening - I can assure you

This town is happening with its five-minute delay from the time when something happens to when everyone knows

This town is happening with its four different churches - each one a different denomination

This town is happening with its 98.9% majority white population - but don't worry, they aren't WASPs

This town has it all - racists, bigots, homophobes, hypocrites, zealots, jingoists, gun-freaks, deadbeats, cokeheads, junkies, alcoholics, creepers, wife-beaters, child-hitters

Oh, and there's me - the long-haired, bespectacled, indie rock-loving, harmonica-blowing twenty-something son of a bitch with a pen and paper

And here I am, to immortalize all those others, for without me, their lives would go unrecorded

Because without you, I wouldn't have my inspiration

Because without you, I would stare at the piece of paper until finally I wrote down a few words:

A Mormon allegory alluding to the sinfulness of premarital sex

But instead, I have you - this happening town

This happening town for ideas that are stranger than fiction

So thank you, for being so effed up

So thank you, for drinking too much, snorting too much coke, hitting your wife, kicking your kid across the coffee table, calling your neighbor a nigger, telling me I'm going to hell, spending your child support on cigarettes, refusing marriage between a loving couple, and shooting that poor squirrel with a hand gun because it wouldn't stay out of your garden.

And here’s the poem that will be published in the OWL:

this is how much i love you

hey do you remember that time - it was sometime last year i think
you fell and hit your head and couldn't remember my name
and you thought you were and elf or some such thing
but then you grew pointy ears and we all freaked out - except for me
and that's because i'll always love you
but then you grew pointy teeth too and even more everyone else freaked out
except for me - i still didn't freak out
but that's because i'll always love you
and then your temper pretty much exploded and you grew hair all over
and everyone who hadn't freaked out yet finally freaked out
but i didn't - no, not me
but like i said, that's because i'll always love you
but then you ate my dog and i had to think things through for a bit
but it's okay because she was pretty damn old anyhow
and i love you too much to be angry at you anyway
you could eat my grandma and everything would still be fine
so long as you don't eat me
but then you took a nibble at my left foot and i didn't like that all that much
but it's okay because my feet do look pretty tasty.

For more information about the Columbus Arts Festival visit http://www.columbusartsfestival.org

(Sorry for the long lines and resulting formatting)